Morning After National News



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	Americans Casually Waiting for the Next Thing to Blow Up Post Detroit Bureau Relocates to Abandoned KFC 45 Minutes Away	Around the Country Post Topeka Blood-Covered, Ax-Weilding Man Turns in Winning Powerball Ticket
		Post Los Angeles Nick Cage to Star in Some Kind of Fucking Piece of Shit
		Post Atlanta How Do I Know That's Really My Editor's Thumb

	U.S News		Recent National News
	America Finds the Limits of 3D Drone Levels Chicago Suburb, Military Suspends 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day' Asshole Proud to Be First Streaker at 9/11 Memorial IJI Apolo- DAMMIT! DID WE MAKE FUCKING ZOMBIES? IJI Makes HIV Virus Gigantic, Airborne Lone Gunman's Imaginary Friend Is an Even Bigger Asshole Than He Is		Microsoft Offering Blowjob with Purchase of Surface Tablet
			Collision of Frequent-Flyer Miles Causes Temporal Rift at O'hare International Airport
			Christopher Dorner Leaves Behind Trail of Carnage, 'Fast 8' Script
			President Obama Moves Three Hot Tubs, a Shark Tank and a White Bengal Tiger into the White House
			I Did NOT Start the Break Room Fire!
			Asshole In Next Cubicle Already Making Sandy Hook Jokes
	More U.S. News 'America's Got' Judges Unsure If They Want to See Casey Anthony's Talent Adolecent Trying to Masterbate Through Heatwave Dies of Dehydration Morning After Post Keeps Plagerizing Our Stories Splitscreen Interviews Make It All Debateable Lonely TSA Agent Wishes Someone Would Pat Her Down Facebook to Stream Movies, Heroin I'm Not Too Drunk to Write-up This Murder-Suicide Palin Defeats Alien Invaders? Congress Bails Out Christmas MSNBC Waiting to Contradict Next Thing Fox News Says Post Fiires COpy-Edditurs		Turns Out Steve Jobs Really Is Dead. Sorry.
			I'll Bail You Out After Finals Week
	Most Popular Stories Reality Show Sets Records for Ratings, Complaints Fatal Accident Ends in Hilarity Bert n Ernie Fired from Sesame Street Over Internet Videos Bunnylike Creature Kills Five Snack Spray Killing Fatties Snack Spray Fattening America to Death Walmart Found to Be the End of ALL Civilizations		Future of America in Hands of Three Dickheads
			Tosh Still Trying to Get 'Sandusky' to Catch on as a Verb
			Jones Media Group Hacks Itself and Conner Banks Gets Suspended Again
			Obama Wondering What Kind of Evil Shit He Could and Still Get Elected
			Bear Grylls Dies After Tying Own Intestines into Rather Impressive Rope Bridge
			Romney and Ryan Love Hanging Out (and other lies from the campaign trail)
	More Classic Post Doubledown an Experiment in Suggestiblity Is Flu Vaccine 'Homo-fying' Americans? ABS Launches Vampire-Reality Series (and IJI Accidentally Created Vampires) Virginia Neighborhood "Still Glowing"		Conspiracy Theorists Suspect Foul Play in Death of Neil Armstrong, 82

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